One of the latest trends is called “cookie-jarring.” Cookie-jarring refers to when someone keeps you as a backup option while being involved with someone else more seriously.
How Cookie-Jarring Works
Cookie-jarring typically occurs when a person doesn’t want to commit but also doesn’t want to be alone. They may text, flirt, or even go on occasional dates with someone while primarily investing in another relationship. The person being “cookie-jarred” is usually unaware they are a backup and might even believe that something real is developing. The jarrer maintains the illusion of interest, but their true intentions are rarely about building a serious connection. Instead, they’re using the other person for emotional support, validation, or to avoid loneliness. In many cases, once their main relationship stabilizes, they may suddenly distance themselves or vanish entirely. This tactic is often used as emotional insurance. Much like keeping a cookie jar nearby for when you need a quick treat, a cookie-jarrer keeps someone “just in case” their primary relationship or romantic interest doesn’t work out.
Signs You’re Being Cookie-Jarred
Recognizing the signs can help protect you from getting emotionally invested in someone who isn’t truly available. Here are common indicators:
- Inconsistent Communication: They disappear for long periods but reappear just when you start to move on.
- Vague about the Future: They avoid discussions about commitment or long-term plans.
- You’re Always the Backup Plan: They only contact you when their schedule frees up or plans with someone else fall through.
- Minimal Effort: They don’t go out of their way for you, yet expect you to be available when convenient.
- Lack of Emotional Depth: Conversations remain superficial, and they rarely show interest in getting to know you deeply.
- These behaviors suggest that while you may be emotionally invested, they are only offering breadcrumbs.
The Emotional Toll
Being cookie-jarred can be emotionally draining. You may feel confused, unimportant, or constantly questioning where you stand. It can affect your self-esteem and make you hesitant to trust others in future relationships. The worst part is the false hope it creates, leading you to wait for something that was never going to happen. People who engage in cookie-jarring might not always be doing it intentionally or maliciously. Sometimes, they’re simply afraid of being alone, unsure of what they want, or emotionally immature. Still, the impact on the other person can be significant.
How to Protect Yourself
If you suspect you’re being cookie-jarred, it’s important to set clear boundaries. Don’t be afraid to ask direct questions like, “What are you looking for?” or “Are you dating anyone else seriously?” Their response—or hesitation—will speak volumes. More importantly, trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. Know your worth and avoid settling for someone who only sees you as a backup.
Conclusion: You Deserve Better Than a Backup Role
Cookie-jarring is a manipulative dating behavior disguised as casual interest. Recognizing the signs early and standing up for your emotional needs can save you from unnecessary heartache. In any relationship, you deserve to be someone’s priority—not just their safety net.
